My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
