I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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