I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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