Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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