Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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