I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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