her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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