We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
