I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
