like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
BRING THE BAGELS
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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