Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize