i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
