Got a toothbrush?
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
