Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I would ride that face into the sunset
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
