I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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