so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
