Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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