After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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