I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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