Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
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