Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize