about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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