I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
