So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
