Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
