Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
