i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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