If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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