P.S. I can't hear my feet
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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