thus making me awesome and them whores
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
