I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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