Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
