WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
zippers are such a cool invention
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
