Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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