Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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