My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
