so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
