i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
