so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
