so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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