two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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