The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
