I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
