Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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