Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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