Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
