I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
