remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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