When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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