i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
