I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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