Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
