I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize