Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
