how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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