Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
