At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize