matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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