There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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