Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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