very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize