you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
