If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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