That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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