i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
