Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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