Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize