I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
