Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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