Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
