There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize